


Here's to Looking at the Sun When You Used to Close Your Eyes

by loubricant



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gross amount of fluff, Happy Ending, Harry and Louis - Freeform, Im horrible at tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Niall and Gemma, Pining, University, University of Manchester, dont hate me for not having Jade and Leigh, i didn't know where to put them in the story, i still love them though, im sorry, mature - Freeform, okey i think thats enough tags, sigh, they might be mentioned, uni - Freeform, zayn and liam - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 13:28:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1606826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loubricant/pseuds/loubricant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry could be loud. In fact, he used to be very loud. He was always the center of attention. He just chooses to keep to himself. It’s a bit funny, in Harry’s eyes. Back when he was carefree and happy, everyone loved him. The girls swooned over him; the guys thought he was hilarious. He was friends with everybody, always smiling and humming and greeting people like they were the only person in the world. It’s funny because as soon as Harry got a taste of reality, and lost his will to smile for no reason, he was forgotten; tossed away like a piece of broken glass.</p><p>He became invisible, until one fateful evening when he met a boy with blue eyes and tan skin and he watched himself begin to fall, without being able to do anything to stop it.</p><p>-</p><p>Or, the one where Harry is afraid of falling in love, Louis pines pathetically, all Zayn and Liam want to do is make heart eyes at each other, and Niall is just enjoying life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here's to Looking at the Sun When You Used to Close Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiiiii. I'm new to AO3 and writing fanfictions longer than two pages so it's probably terrible but hey, you gotta start somewhere right?

_Every time I close my eyes_

_It’s like a dark paradise_

_-_

 

People often confuse being quiet for weakness. They assume that if you don’t talk much, you’re shy. That might be the case for some people. But not everyone.

 

Harry could be loud. In fact, he used to be very loud. He was always the center of attention. He just chooses to keep to himself. It’s a bit funny, in Harry’s eyes. Back when he was carefree and happy, everyone loved him. The girls swooned over him; the guys thought he was hilarious. He was friends with everybody, always smiling and humming and greeting people like they were the only person in the world. It’s funny because as soon as Harry got a taste of reality, and lost his will to smile for no reason, he was forgotten; tossed away like a piece of broken glass.

 

When you rarely speak, you notice things. You see things that aren't meant to be seen, hear things that aren’t meant to be heard. You can see emotions that people try to keep hidden. You see it in the way they hold themselves around people, versus the way they hold themselves when they’re alone. You see the smile that disappears as soon as they turn away from their friends. You see it in their eyes. People are not all that good at hiding things, but you won’t see if you aren’t looking. Signs are always there; observers aren't.

 

Harry knows because he's lived it. He hid his pain, but it would have been obvious to anyone that really looked. He can’t blame them though, because he used to be the same way. Humans are quite blind when they’re still blissfully innocent. Harry was too, before Him.

;

Now, he can pick out the Sad Ones. The ones who hate themselves, the ones who do not like eating, the ones who hurt themselves, and the ones who pretend to be someone they’re not. He can pick them, because he is one.

 

-

 

Harry thinks about all of this as he spends yet another lunch staring out the big, full length windows that face the small garden in front of the school. He never eats unless he’s near fainting but also because doesn't feel the need to go into the loud, annoying cafeteria and watch people around him laugh and eat while he sits alone and starves himself.

 

He shakes himself out of his thoughts, packing up his things and getting ready to go to his next period. He checks his schedule, and sees that he has one of his least favourite classes: art history. Sighing, he throws his backpack over one shoulder and stands up. He nearly falls back down into his seat, hit by a moment of sickening dizziness. He grabs the edge of the table and shuts is eyes, taking a deep breath and waiting for the colourful spots behind his eyes to disappear. When the moment passes, he opens his eyes and shuffles out of the library to class.

 

 

***

 

 

People always say live life to the fullest. But what is the point, really, if your whole life leads up to death? Sure, you can do things in your life that will be remembered in your death, but you are still going to end up in a coffin, six feet underground, while the sun continues to shine and life moves on. Everything ends, breaks, or dies eventually. Nothing lasts forever. Sure, you can say love is for eternity, but it is really?  If you die, your partner, or friends, or parents may be sad but they’ll move on eventually. People get divorced, friendships end, kids get disowned for things they can’t help or decisions they make for themselves.

 

Harry knows this because he’s watched everything he thought he’d always have, leave him. Now he knows not to take anything for granted. He knows that no one really cares; that fairy tales do not exist. He knows not to trust anyone. He _knows_ all of this, yet he still dreams of finding a happy ending, with the perfect person. A person who he can love and trust fully, and who will return the feelings. Someone who will never leave. He hates himself for thinking like that, but he wants it so desperately he can’t help it sometimes.

 

Once again, Harry finds himself stuck in his depressing, pathetic, self-pitying thoughts. He looks back down at his math homework. He’s only gotten one problem done. There’s a large ink stain from where the tip of his pen was pressed against the paper.

 

He’s sat on the bottom bleacher in front of the soccer field, trying (and failing) to finish his homework before it gets dark, and he’s forced to walk back to his dorm. He notices with a start that the temperature has dropped to a biting cold. He shuts his binder and stuffs his things into his backpack.

 

Suddenly, he hears someone running up, and his head shoots up so fast it makes it pound. Harry’s eyes fix on possibly the most beautiful person he has ever seen. He’s sweaty and panting, but Harry has never laid his eyes on anyone more lovely. He’s got light brown hair with a slight golden tint to it. It’s in a bit of a flopped quiff sticking to his forehead. His shoulders are broad and Harry can definitely appreciate his abs, seeing as his shirt is white and plastered to his skin with sweat. He gets closer and Harry is mesmerized by his eyes. They’re _blueblueblue,_ a perfect remedy for Harry’s dimmed, empty eyes. They’re shocking; they pull you in and never let you out again. His lips are thin but a beautiful shade of pink. His cheekbones are high and defined. His skin is a glowing golden tan. Everything about him is captivating.

 

Harry mentally smacks himself for thinking foolish thoughts like that. This beautiful boy is probably taken, most-likely straight, and definitely would not be interested in Harry.

 

The boy stops right in front of Harry and grins. Harry’s breath hitches like this is some fucking cliché rom-com because he doesn’t think there is a smile more fascinating in the world.

 

“Hey mate,” the boy says. Harry’s eyes widen.

 

 “H-hi,” he stutters.

 

 “Do you happen to have any water? I’m parched,” touching his throat to insinuate his point.

 

 “O-oh. Yeah. But it’s um. I’ve already um…Drank. From it.” The boy laughs and Harry wants to cry.

 

 “Love, I couldn’t give less of a care if you’ve already drank from it. You haven’t got a fatal disease have you?” Harry shakes his violently. 

 

 “Great. Didn’t think you did, someone as good looking as yourself. Can I have some then?”

 

 “Yeah o-of course,” and why the _fuck_ is Harry so nervous. He may be quiet, but he is _not_ shy. Why is he acting like it now?

 

Harry fumbles for his water bottle, nearly dropping it before he manages to hand it to the boy. He smiles at Harry while opening the bottle, and then takes a big gulp.

 

Harry’s eyes are immediately drawn to his throat, Adams apple bobbing as the boy swallows. He squirms uncomfortably and adverts his gaze. He cannot get pulled in, especially by a boy he doesn’t even know.

 

The boy makes a satisfied sound, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to Harry. Of course their fingers have to brush. Of course the boy’s fingers have to be warm and soft and send a spark through Harry. _What is this_ , Harry thinks to himself. He does not let people affect him this way. His life isn’t a fucking book, thank you very much.

 

The boy plops himself down right next to Harry, thighs brushing. It sends more sparks through him and Harry wants to cry. He takes a deep breath and turns to look at the person sitting next to him.

 

His eyes are kind, but there’s a hint of curiosity behind them. He smiles when he sees Harry looking at him and sticks out his hand.

 

Back before Harry became sad, we would’ve instantly shaken his hand with gleaming eyes and lips set in a smirk. Now, his first instinct is to flinch away, but he fights the urge, hesitating for a moment before placing his hand in the outstretched one.

 

“I’m Louis. Louis Tomlinson. And you are..?”

 

 “M’Harry. Styles.”

 

Louis grin grows. “Well isn’t that a rockstar name. Lovely to meet you Harry. So, what are you doing sitting here the cold doing homework of all things?”

 

 “Just…trying to get it done before I have to go home.”

 

 “Home? Do you not go to uni here? Wait. Are you even in uni?”

 

 “Yeah, my dorms are off campus.”

 

 “Ah, mine are on. Live with my best mate Niall. Have you got a roommate Curly?”

 

Harry blushes at the nickname and looks down.

 

“No, I uh, live alone. Well actually I have a cat but…” Harry laughs nervously, running his hand through his hair and trailing off.

 

Louis perks up at that. “A cat? How adorable! What’s its name?”

 

 “Her name’s Panini.”

 

Louis laughs at that and Harry actually thinks his heart is in danger of stopping.

 

“Panini like the sandwich?”

 

 “Of course. It’s the new trend, haven’t you heard? Naming your cat after foods,” Harry says, surprising himself with the amount of confidence he had in that statement.

 

“Hm, I seemed to have missed out on that memo. Probably because I don’t have a cat to name. But if I did it would most certainly be called Bacon.”

 

Harry feels himself laugh at that, except it doesn’t feel like he’s the one doing the action. It’s been such a long time since he has laughed, genuinely laughed, and it feels foreign.

 

Louis smiles wider. After a beat of silence he sighs and stands up. “Well Harry, it’s been lovely talking to you, but I promised Niall I’d be back in time for a marathon of Breaking Bad. We’re trying to beat my mates Zayn and Liam in finishing the series.

 

Harry kind of crawls back into his shell at that. He mentally scolds himself for what must the twentieth time today. What did he except, Louis to invite him to ride off into the sunset together? _Get it together_ , he thinks to himself.

 

“O-oh. That sounds. Fun. I won’t keep you any longer. Nice meeting you as well Louis.” He smiles with fake enthusiasm. Harry throws his backpack over one shoulder, fighting the urge to fall over, and walks away, leaving Louis to gather his things and head home to all of his friends.

 

 

That night when Harry finally falls asleep, he dreams of blue eyes and golden skin.

-

**Author's Note:**

> IM SORRY I KNOW ITS HORRIBLY CLICHE AND STUPID AND I HAVE DONT HAVE A VERY BIG IDEA OF WHERE IM GOING WITH THIS BUT YEAH
> 
> feedback is very much appreciate i'll try to update as soon as possible im still kind of confused by all of this lol :)
> 
> my tumblr is //sara-stylinson if you'd like to follow me i follow backkk


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